The cat’s out of the bag. Our beloved Mario, the adorable hero that tackled Bowser so many times, who rescued Isle Delfino with nothing but a water cannon in Super Mario Sunshine, who literally saved the universe in Super Mario Galaxy by collecting actual stars floating through the sky–well, that guy ain’t the same anymore. Our round Italian hero is…somehow different, and millions of fans are feeling the pangs that can be brought on only by the loss of a cherished icon. We have to face it: Mario as we know him is dead forever. Why?
He has nipples. I repeat: Mario has nipples.
My name literally being “Nips,” I’m practically obliged to report on all things mammarian in the video gaming world. As a bit of context, this image of our beloved Mario was released by Nintendo as a teaser image for the upcoming game Super Mario Odyssey. When I first laid eyes on these round, petite areolae, something snapped within me. My sense of childlike wonder that I always directed at this affable hero ruptured, leaving behind an empty space in my heart. “This is wrong! This shouldn’t be!” shouted my inner voice, appalled at what I was seeing. Those two pink, fleshy discs just don’t belong on Mario’s chest and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.
Pictured here: An actual ape with no nipples.
Think about it. How many video game icons can you think of that lay their tatas bare? Even the most hulking, hyper-masculine examples of video game protagonists are typically covered with some sort of shirt or tank top, allowing audiences to gawk at their fictionalized, rippling bodies while avoiding the earth-shattering realization that they, too, may have nipples. Any other classic hero from video gaming history is always, always portrayed without nipples, even if they’re shirtless. Why? Cause it’s just weird. Think of Samus Aran. We even got to see her in her underwear in Super Metroid, but the developers had enough sense to protect her modesty by covering those babies up. Think of Link from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. As a fantasy game protagonist, he would have been a perfect candidate for fighting this nipple fight. But no, Nintendo saved it for their most popular icon. For Christ’s sake, even the modern iteration of Donkey Kong, who is literally a naked-ass ape, is sans-nipple.
Please disregard this.
And don’t you dare talk to me about the original Donkey Kong from the classic arcade. That one…that one just doesn’t count.
Can you imagine what the world would be like if all of our favorite video game heroes suddenly had nipples? I shudder to think of such an apocalyptic wasteland. What would Sonic’s cute hedgehog body look like if they slapped some grotesque nipples on his chest? What would have happened if Spyro were sporting a pair of purple dragon nipples or if Master Chief’s iconic armor had a pointy pair of weapon’s grade areolae?
Disgusting.
They put nipples on Batman once–ONCE–and the fandom still hasn’t stopped bitching about it. Because any sensible person has an innate sense of when nipples belong somewhere and when they just don’t. And this, my dear reader, is simply not one of those times where they belong.
Don’t get me wrong; I think nipples are fantastic. I’m named after them. I have a vested interest in the popularity of nipples. But there are just some lines we should not cross. Gone are the days, it seems, when our favorite video game heroes are sexless and infinitely relatable. Gone are the days when we could imagine them however we wanted, when they were a blank canvas to be filled by our imagination. There’s a reason we never see the nipples of any other video gaming icon, and that’s because as a culture we inherently sexualize nipples. And this implicit sexualization of the nipple only serves as a reminder of one thing: Mario has a
Yeah, you know where I’m going with this. We can say goodbye to the age-old charade that Mario and Princess Peach slept in separate twin beds, like the parents from Leave it to Beaver. With this new look of Mario’s, there is no longer any doubt in our minds that he and Princess Peach are gettin’ it on. Their relationship can never again be seen as an innocent, platonic infatuation; it is now something much darker, much dirtier. And it suddenly occurs to me why such an unassuming plumber would be risking his life in such fantastic ways to save Peach time and again.
But it’s not only that. Not only is Mario suddenly a sexual being, but he is now a mortal being in our eyes. When those puppies were covered, we could think of him as anything. An otherworldly alien, a kindly spirit sent to bring us joy and mirth, even an omnipotent god. Only now…now he is just like us. He lives, he breathes, he eats, he dreams, and, above all, he has nipples.
Our favorite hero has been reduced to a commoner, a plebicite. He is the naked king when all his lavish robes are torn away, his secrets laid bare before the eyes of his adoring subjects. When I stare into those deceptively benevolent nipples, I see the fall of an empire, the crash of morality and civilization as we know it. Nintendo, for all its flaws, has finally committed the most egregious error possible. And it did so by mortalizing–and thus killing–its greatest mascot. It seems there are no more one-ups left for this plumber.
Is there a lesson to be learned here? I shudder to think so. What good could there come from such an impoverization of video gaming’s most iconic figure? I look at him there, running merrily on the beach with his beautiful breasts exposed, and I…I…
I love him. I can’t deny it. Despite his flaws, I can’t help but continue to love this ever-jolly paragon of the Mushroom Kingdom. As I continue to stare at this image of a shirtless Mario, I see more and more complexity hidden within that casual, unassuming appearance. There’s something freeing in this. This guy can have fun. This guy can let loose. This guy can do whatever he goddamn well pleases. Because he’s Mario. And he’s gonna show his nipples if he wants. So we need to let Mario’s nipples run free, and let happen what will. Our man can’t be tethered down, and damn us for ever assuming to try.
Why did I even write this article?
