Platform: Super Nintendo (SNES)
Developer: Virgin Interactive
Publisher: Disney Interactive Studios
Release Date (NA): 1995
Genre: Platformer
Reviewed by StarSpangledEggs
This review will be a little bit different than most of mine. It will not have an analysis of witty paragraphs critiquing or complimenting the game, nor will it have countless pictures and analogies to help you visualize the game…instead, I will use Pinocchio’s own material as a standard for the game’s brief recap. More specifically, I will use the game’s 8-bit version of the Disney song “An Actor’s Life for Me” (the first level’s theme) as a tune to guide this review. So while you read this poem of mine, I would recommend playing it in the background via YouTube and singing along, it’s pretty catchy.
Da-dum—da-dum—da-dum—da-dum
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see
This puppet dies in just 3 nicks
From harmless things like birds and twigs!
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see
The useless doll cannot attack
He runs from fighting back!
Da-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see!
His jumps, it seems, cannot clear gaps
So good luck tryin’ to dodge the traps!
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see
The items all do nothing good
The boy’s still made of wood!
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see!
-Pause for brief musical interlude-
…..
…..
(And here we go again!)
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see
The only “good” part of the game:
Is Jiminy’s bug-slaughter by the flame!
High-diddly-dee, Pinnochio sucks you see
The level backdrops are a mess,
An honest point confessed!
Da-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum
(Sing it with me now!)
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see
Another Disney Virgin game
Whose games all play the very same!
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see
The movie was a pain to view
And thus the game is too!
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see!
-Another pause for a repeated instrumental interlude-
…..
…..
…..
(Come on, Everybody!)
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see!
There’s no redeeming traits to note
Not e’en the “boss battle” on the boat
High-diddly-dee, Pinocchio sucks you see!
This game ain’t worth your precious time
So heed this humble rhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaiaiaiaiaiame (“rhyme”, sung like a celebrity at the Superbowl)!
-Song End-
Obviously I will not be entering a music career any time soon, but you get the picture. This pitiful platforming title is a disappointment on all ends. In Virgin’s defense, they did not have much to run with anyway. The story of Pinocchio never crossed me as prime gaming material, and regardless of their efforts, Virgin proved exactly why FAR BETTER than I ever could have with this SNES title. I doubt this game will do our puppet any favors in his pursuit to join the Disney Infinity or Kingdom Hearts casts. Can you imagine if that happened? I can easily envision a child on Christmas morning excitedly opening what he asked for that year, a new Disney Infinity figure that his parents so lovingly bought for him. Instead of making this year for him the most memorable of his childhood by getting Jack Sparrow or Jack Skellington, the boy found that his parents only got him the clearance bin Pinocchio figure.
Mere seconds after his discovery, his innocent child smile is soon plagued into a most sorrowful frown, and he bawled bitterly for Christmas that year was ruined (that’s exactly what I did after I played this game!). Okay that might have been a slight bit extreme, but seriously who actually wants to play as Pinocchio? That’s like someone wanting to play as the dirty boot in Monopoly, or play as Luigi in the Mario Party games (or any game really), it never happens. Stay away from this game, or I hope that you may be forever branded with the ears of an ass (for not listening!) that will hear this taunting 8-bit tune for eternity!
Reviewed by StarSpangledEggs
